


Robert Sugden's Five Stages of Grief.

by MissFanficWriter



Series: Robert Sugden's Life in Numbers [1]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-13 23:12:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5720575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissFanficWriter/pseuds/MissFanficWriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert mourns the loss of his old life as he tries to accept himself and finally move on. Each chapter is based on one of the 5 stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Can Robert accept who he is in time to save his relationship with the man he loves?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stage 1: Denial

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be posting a new chapter each day. Comments would be greatly appreciated.

Ever since he had heard that Diane was selling her half of the pub it was all Robert could think about. The pub could be a new start for him. After being shot he hadn’t done much apart from sit around Victoria and Adam’s house watching daytime TV. He needed a goal again, something to aim for to get his mind off things. If he let himself think for too long he couldn’t help contemplating all that he had lost; his wife Chrissie, his job, his car, his brother, Katie. It was all too much for Robert to think about so he often pushed it out of his mind. Almost everyone in the village would say he didn’t care about anyone but himself and maybe they were right or maybe they were wrong. Robert wouldn’t allow himself enough time to think about those things to find out the answer. 

 

The pub would be his fresh start though. A new job, a new place to live so he could finally escape Victoria’s. He loved Victoria, probably more than anyone in his life, she believed in a better version of him that Robert often wondered even existed. But he couldn’t face living with Adam any longer. 

 

Another benefit would be making peace with Andy. He could show Andy how much he cared about the family by keeping the pub with the Sugden’s. He knew Andy hated him right now but for once Robert knew that he deserved Andy’s hatred and he was determined to change it.

 

Walking in to the pub he noticed Doug at the bar, “Is Diane here?”

 

Doug motioned in the back, as he continued to serve Ashley, laughing over something he had said.

 

Robert made his way through the back and found Diane having lunch with Andy.

 

“What are you doing here?” Andy scowled, standing up.

 

“Please, boys. Can’t we all just sit down? You know how much it would mean to me after my treatment and everything.” Diane pleaded.

 

Andy glared at Robert but sat back down, refraining from saying anything else. He loved Diane and didn’t want to upset her after all she’d been through lately. Robert approached the table and sat down on the opposite side of Diane.

 

“Hello Diane, how are you feeling after yesterday’s appointment?” Robert asked, noting Andy rolling his eyes at what he assumed to be fake concern from Robert.

 

“Oh sweetheart I’m fine. Thank you again for taking me. I’m not booked in again until next week and Doug wants to take me this time.” Diane said, pouring Robert a cup of tea.

 

“It’s great that you’re letting people help Diane. And maybe I could be of even more help.”

 

“Oh yeah, how’s that Rob?” Andy snarled.

 

“Well,” Robert continued, ignoring Andy, “I’ve heard you’re selling the pub and I want to buy it.”

 

“Where did you hear that from?” Diane asked surprised.

 

“Victoria may have mentioned it.”

 

“I knew there had to be a reason for you sniffing around.” Andy muttered.

 

However Robert had finally had enough of Andy’s snide remarks, “You know I care about Diane and me buying the pub is so that we can keep it in the family. Our family, remember? So much for putting our differences aside for the sake of Diane.” 

 

“Family? That’s a joke, considering you ruined mine. You’re the reason my wife’s dead and Debbie has taken my kids away.” Andy shouted, knocking his chair over in his haste to stand up.

 

Robert quickly stood up to face him until he felt Diane’s hand on his arm, gently pulling him back in to his seat.

 

“Boys, please sit down.” Diane pleaded.

 

“I’m sorry Diane, but I can’t pretend nothing happened.” Andy apologised as he walked towards the door, giving Diane a small, sad smile before he left. 

 

Diane sighed, “Will you two ever sort things out?”

 

Robert shrugged his shoulders, “I am trying Diane and I think if I bought the pub and Andy helped me out with the bar, Victoria in the kitchen, we’d soon be closer than we ever have been.”

 

“Robert, you do know it’s only half of the pub. Chas owns the other half.” Diane explained.

 

Robert halted, in his haste to buy the pub and make a new life for himself he’d almost forgotten about Chas.

 

“She’d never agree to let you buy my half, I’m sorry pet.” Diane apologised.

 

Robert was determined to make this his new start though, he had to cling on to that hope because he couldn’t just go home to Victoria’s sofa with no plan. He was going crazy cooped up in that place with no job. He had to do something.

 

“Just promise me you’ll think about it?” Robert asked.

 

The door opened just as Diane was nodding her agreement and Aaron entered. Robert glanced up and noticed he’d just been for a run. He remember the last time Aaron had started running and how he had used it to hurt himself. As Robert was checking that he didn’t look overly tired or hurt this time, he suddenly remembered that it wasn’t his place to be concerned about Aaron anymore. It never had been his place.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t know anyone was back here.” Aaron mumbled, making for the stairs.

 

“No, it’s fine. I was just leaving. I have to get going now Diane. Thank you for the lunch and I hope you’ll think about what we discussed.” Robert said, squeezing Diane’s arm in farewell. 

 

“Bye love.” Diane shouted as she took the dirty plates to the kitchen sink.

 

Robert moved across the room, avoiding eye contact with Aaron. He’d almost made it out of the room when he felt his arm brush against Aaron’s. His whole body felt electrified, as if every nerve inside him had awoken at Aaron’s touch. He quickly pushed his way past Aaron and back in to the bar area, his breathing faster than usual.

 

“Did you find her?” Doug asked, while pouring a pint for Zak.

 

“Yeah, thanks Doug. I’ll see you later.” Robert said as he made his way out of the pub. 

 

His encounter with Aaron had left him shaken and he knew just what he needed. Coffee. 

 

“The usual?” Bob asked Robert as he entered the cafe.

 

“Thanks, that’d be great.”

 

“Sit down, I’ll bring over your.. latte?” Bob asked, trying to remember Robert’s usual drink.

 

“An americano.” Robert said, rolling his eyes as Bob nodded and hurried off.

 

Who doesn’t know my favourite coffee by now? Robert wondered. 

 

As he pondered this question, the bell above the door rang to announce someone’s arrival. Robert looked up just in time to see Chrissie and Lachlan approaching his table.

 

“Lachlan, darling, you go and order. I’ll be over in a minute.” Chrissie said.

 

Lachlan moved towards the counter, nodding at Robert before he left. They had come to an understanding ever since Robert had helped Chrissie in court.

 

Chrissie sat down across from Robert, “I just wanted to say thank you again for what you did for me in court. I know Lachlan asked for your help and it means a lot to him and to me that you helped me out, I know the trial could have been a lot worse if it hadn’t been for what you said.”

 

Robert felt very surprised at Chrissie’s gratitude, however he did not like to show it and always liked to use a situation to his advantage.

 

“Only too happy to help.” Robert smiled.

 

“Well I’ll be off then.” Chrissie made a move to leave, however she stopped when Robert leaned forward, towards her.

 

“Wait a minute, Chrissie. Did you hear that Diane’s selling her half of the pub? She’s going to sell it to me, it could be a new start for us. A fresh start for you, me and Lachlan.” Robert said, nodding over at Lachlan who was watching them from the counter. 

 

Chrissie looked at him, her shock soon turning to disbelief, “Me, you and Lachlan all cosy under the same roof as your boyfriend and his mum.”

 

“Chrissie, I didn’t mean it like that. You know Aaron meant nothing to me. Being shot has made me realise what a big mistake I made with Aaron.” Robert pleaded taking Chrissie’s hand.

 

Chrissie shook her head and gently removed her hand from Robert’s.

 

“I don’t want to argue anymore Robert, we’ve been through enough. It’s over, I can’t forgive you for what you did with Aaron.”

 

“Aaron was a mistake, Chrissie.” Robert pleaded.

 

Chrissie softly placed her hand upon Robert’s cheek, “You’re free to be yourself now Robert.”

 

Robert flinched away from Chrissie’s pity and watched her walk away from him.

 

“Watch where you’re going, alright? You might have the biggest house but you’re not the only one living in the village.” Robert heard Ross snarl at Chrissie from across the cafe.

 

“Oh please Ross, how could anyone forget you live here? The crime rate has shot up since you arrived.” 

 

Robert noticed Ross smirking after Chrissie as she left the cafe with Lachlan, coffees in hand. 

 

“Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage around here? Leave Chrissie alone.” Robert hissed in Ross’ face as he pushed past him to the door, leaving the cafe just as unhappily as he had entered it.

 

“Robert, I’ve just heard from Diane that you want to buy her half of the pub. Why would you want to do that?” Victoria asked Robert as she came in to the living room, removing her chef’s hat after a long day of working in the kitchen. 

 

“Hello to you too, and how was your day?” Robert asked sarcastically from where he was sat on the sofa. 

 

He had been expecting this conversation all day but that didn’t make him anymore prepared for it. Sarcasm was his defence mechanism after all. 

 

“Seriously Robert, are you doing this just to cause trouble?” Victoria sighed.

 

Robert stood up, suddenly feeling angry. He knew he had made some mistakes this past year but hearing Victoria, his own sister, the one person he felt was always on his side, doubting him really hurt, although he would never admit it.

 

“No, if you hadn’t realised I’m actually part of this family too and I just thought it would be nice to keep Diane’s half of the pub in our family.” Robert scowled.

 

“Well we haven’t really been much of a family lately with you and Andy at each other’s throats every time I try to bring us all together.” Victoria stated.

 

The air felt thick with the unresolved questions between them. Was Andy right? Had Robert really killed Katie? Did Victoria believe him to be capable of murder? Although neither of them wanted to bring up these questions as they were both scared of the answers they might hear.

 

Robert slouched back on to the sofa, picking up the nearest magazine, Car Parts. Robert rolled his eyes, one of Adam’s, he thought. He tossed the magazine back on to the table and looked up at Victoria, “Things are going to be different, me and Andy are okay with each other now and the pub is only going to bring us all closer.”

 

Victoria looked doubtful as she sat down on the sofa next to Robert.

 

“Is this about Aaron?” Victoria asked gently.

 

Robert’s head jerked up sharply at the mention of his name. He felt his heart beating faster, and told himself that it was because he hated Aaron. Aaron had ruined his life. Being with Aaron had cost Robert his happiness with Chrissie, his job at Home Farm and his brother, Andy. He absentmindedly touched his chest where he had been shot, contemplating the disastrous events that had occurred because of Aaron.

 

“No, this has got nothing to do with Aaron.”

 

Victoria gently touched his shoulder, “Robert, I’m your sister and if you’re buying the pub to be close to Aaron then I could understand that.”

 

For a moment Robert felt himself relax under Victoria’s concern. He could picture Aaron so clearly in his mind, the way his hair fell when he hadn’t put gel in it, his eyes that showed so many emotions all at once, his hands rough from working at the scrapyard. And then he felt it, the overwhelming urge to run from him, run from this feeling. He had been doing it for so long he didn’t know if he could stop even if he wanted to. 

 

Robert abruptly stood up from the sofa and turned to face Victoria, “I’m not doing this for Aaron, I don’t feel anything for him, I’m not gay.”

 

He fled the room, tasting his denial on his lips as soon as he had spoken the words.


	2. Stage 2: Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After trying to deny his feelings for Aaron, Robert is overwhelmed by the anger he feels for everyone in his life, especially his own anger at himself for pushing away the man he loves. Will Robert's harsh words cause him to lose Aaron forever?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter, let me know in the comments!

As soon as he entered the pub, Robert could feel her eyes on him, following him. He knew how much she hated him, probably even wished he’d died from the gun shot. While Robert knew he deserved Chas’ hatred it didn’t make him the least bit sorry that he hated her too. The way she suffocated Aaron, never allowing him to grow up and make his own choices, made it difficult for Robert to imagine a future where he could even be civil to Chas.

 

“How dare ya show your face in here?” Chas hissed, as Robert approached the bar.

 

“A pint, please, Chas.” Robert smirked.

 

“Over my dead body are you buying Diane’s half of the pub.” Chas snapped, glaring at Robert with an animalistic hatred which stemmed from wanting to protect her son.

 

“I think you’ll find that’s up to Diane to decide, don’t you agree?”

 

“Why do you want to buy half of an old pub anyway? Just so you can crawl your way back in with Aaron. Make him think that you’ve changed after being shot. I know your type Robert, evil to the core and you’ll never change. And I’m not going to stand back and watch you destroy my boy.” Chas snarled at him, her eyes narrowed.

 

Robert felt his blood boiling on the inside, he could always rely on Chas to make him feel angry. He knew fighting back would solve nothing but with Chas he couldn’t stop himself arguing with her.

 

“As if I’d even look at Aaron again. He’s an emotional wreck who has to hurt himself every time something doesn’t quite go his way. Strutting around the village ruining lives, ruining my life. Aaron was the..”

 

Suddenly out of the corner of his eye Robert could see Aaron emerging from the back room, trying to keep his face expressionless. But Robert knew Aaron, he knew every inch of him. He knew the scowl Aaron plastered on his face was just an act. Aaron cared what people thought, he cared what Robert thought of him. 

 

Part of Robert wanted to reach out to him, to tell him he didn’t mean all the terrible things he’d ever said about Aaron. He wanted him to know that he meant it that time he ran his fingertips lightly over each of Aaron’s scars one night during their week at Home Farm. He meant it when he promised Aaron that he’d always be there for him if he ever felt like cutting again. 

 

Aaron looked up and fixed his eyes on Robert, those eyes that pretended not to care what Robert said but underneath the pretending was the look of pleading with Robert to take back everything, to tell him that it hadn’t all been a lie, that it hadn’t all been for nothing. 

 

Robert felt his hand shake against the bar, he hated how Aaron made him feel; vulnerable and weak. He turned his face away from Aaron and looked Chas in the eyes.

 

“Aaron was the biggest mistake I ever made.”

 

Robert turned and quickly left the pub but not quick enough to stop himself seeing the look in Aaron’s eyes. Hatred, betrayal, hurt, pain and most of all love, always love. 

 

Leaning against the pub wall, Robert breathed in the fresh air trying to quell his anger. Anger at Chas for questioning his reasons for buying the pub, anger at Aaron for turning his life upside down and most of all anger at himself for pushing away the man he loved.

 

He pushed himself off the wall and headed off in the direction of the scrapyard. If he was going to find the money to buy the pub then it would have to be by selling the scrapyard.

 

“Get out.” Robert shouted as he opened the cabin door and glared at Adam sitting on the chair, feet up on the desk. “I didn’t pay for you to sit around with your feet up and a beer in your hand every five minutes.”

 

Robert had always disliked Adam, ever since he’d married Victoria without him being there. He’d missed his own sister’s wedding and although a lot of people in the village may say that was Robert’s own fault it didn’t make it any easier to accept. 

 

Shocked, Adam quickly stood up, “Mate, what’s wrong with you? Me and Aaron work bloody hard at this place, alright?”

 

“Just get out now. We’re selling up, tonight, tomorrow, as soon as I can find a buyer stupid enough to take it.” Robert stormed in to the cabin.

 

“You can’t just decide that. This isn’t just about you. What about me and Victoria? I need this job. And what about Aaron? Are you just going to keep pretending you don’t care about him?” Adam shouted, coming around the desk so he was right in Robert’s face.

 

Robert tried to calm his anger, he didn’t like to be out of control but the mention of Aaron was enough to send him over the edge. He grabbed Adam by the arm, forcibly removing him from the cabin and slamming the door behind him.

 

Once alone he sank down into the chair Adam had just occupied, his head hung in his hands. He breathed deeply in and out, his whole body shaking with anger. Why did everyone think that everything he did was about Aaron? One stupid mistake and now the whole village thought he was gay. Everything he’d worked for, gone, just like that. Anger coursed through him and his hand shot out and pushed everything off the desk. He wanted every part of Aaron gone, as far away from himself as possible. The loud bang and crash of picture frames cracking and paperwork falling sounded like music to Robert’s ears. He wanted to ruin this place, make it unrecognisable, make himself forget the time Aaron had kissed him, pushed up against the door. 

 

Robert stood up and started to destroy every part of the cabin he could reach, kicking over the bin, pulling down posters from the wall, tearing them to pieces. He was so preoccupied he didn’t notice the cabin door opening behind him.

 

“Bloody hell Robert, what are you doing?” Aaron shouted.

 

Aaron had never seen Robert like this. He was used to a calm, collected Robert who preferred planning his next move carefully rather than lashing out in anger. The Robert he saw before him looked wild in comparison, his hair was untidy, his shirt untucked, his eyes full of anger.

 

“Oh look who it is? Saint Aaron, here to sort me out I suppose. Quick call from Adam and here you are. Well I told him and now I’m telling you, this place is being sold now.”

 

Robert turned his back on Aaron, he couldn’t bare to look at him, this man who had ruined his life. He wanted out of the cabin, suddenly it was too small, too tight. Every inch of the room seemed to be full of Aaron. Aaron laughing as Robert told him something Lawrence had said, Aaron sat on the desk as Robert kissed him, Aaron gasping and moaning as Robert..

 

Robert quickly pressed his hands against his eyes, he didn’t want to remember all that, he just wanted to forget. 

 

Aaron, noticing Robert’s state, couldn’t help the concern he felt for the man before him. Robert had made his life hell, but he’d also made his life worth living again. After Jackson Aaron had just felt like he was going through the motions, doing what was expected of him so that he didn’t make his mum worry. But then Robert had come along and made him feel all over again. He’d made him feel so much; passion, frustration, anger, hurt, loneliness. But he couldn’t deny to himself that through it all he’d always loved Robert.

 

Aaron placed his hand upon Robert’s back, comfortingly rubbing circles. He felt Robert relax under his touch, his shoulders dropping as he leaned in to Aaron’s hand. Robert felt it, the familiar connection he’d felt with Aaron since the first time they’d kissed. It was all so easy when they didn’t talk, when he didn’t think about the consequences of his actions, when he just took what he wanted.

 

Robert turned around and pressed Aaron against the wall, he allowed himself to really look at him for the first time in weeks. He was still his Aaron. Still the same eyes that could see everything about him, still the same lips that slightly parted as Robert looked at them and still the same hands that clutched at his waist, willing him to do something. He gently rested his head against Aaron’s, closing his eyes. He could feel his own heart beating rapidly in his chest, his next move could change everything. He longed to lean forward and feel Aaron’s soft lips against his own and his tongue inside his mouth. Robert felt Aaron move his hand up, tentatively, and rest it upon the back of his neck, slowly stroking his thumb across his cheek.

 

“Talk to me, Robert. Tell me what’s wrong.” Aaron whispered softly.

 

Even after months of heartache which Robert had caused, Aaron couldn’t watch Robert suffer. 

 

Robert could feel Aaron’s warm breath against his skin and he knew he had to stop this. This feeling was what had lost him everything he’d ever wanted. This wasn’t love. What he had with Aaron was just sex, meaningless sex, and he’d even lost that now because Aaron let his feelings get in the way. Robert knew deep down that he couldn’t handle the way Aaron looked at him, the unconditional love so clear in his eyes. Even when he’d told him that he hated him Robert had never believed it. Aaron wouldn’t give up on him but Robert had already given up on himself. 

 

As Robert pulled Aaron towards him, he felt Aaron shiver and noticed his eyes flickering shut. He rested his mouth against Aaron’s ear, allowing himself a moment to breath in the scent that was Aaron. 

 

“I hate you, Aaron. You ruined everything. I told you before, falling in love with you was the biggest mistake of my life. I never want to see you again, and I’m selling the scrapyard as soon as I can. I don’t care about you.” Robert whispered harshly in to Aaron’s ear.

 

He felt Aaron stiffen in his arms, the moment lost. For a second, just before he left, Robert allowed himself one last glance at Aaron. One glance was all it took to see the hurt and pain in Aaron’s eyes. Although that wasn’t what shocked Robert most, he had hurt Aaron before. The thing that shocked Robert was the certainty on Aaron’s face that he knew Robert hadn’t meant what he’d said and as their eyes met for an instant, just before Robert pushed past him to leave, they both knew Robert was just a coward.


	3. Stage 3: Bargaining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert attempts to bargain with Ross in order to get the money he needs to buy Diane's share of the pub. But has Robert really dealt with the fear caused by the shooting? And will anyone be there to help Robert during a disagreement with the man who shot him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely comments! I hope you enjoy this chapter and leave any feedback in the comments.

“Did you talk to Diane for me yet?” Robert asked Victoria over a breakfast of coffee and toast.

 

“Not yet and I really don’t know why I should after how you treated Adam.” Victoria sniffed, placing her dirty plate in the sink and putting her coat on to leave.

 

“Wait, Vic, please.” Robert pleaded, grabbing Victoria’s arm to stop her from leaving. “I’ll apologise to Adam and sort out something with the scrapyard if you promise to try and convince Diane to sell to me. Deal?”

 

Victoria frowned, “So you promise you won’t sell the scrapyard? Adam really needs that job, especially after what happened with Johnny, he needs the scrapyard to take his mind off it.”

 

Robert fought the urge to roll his eyes, finding out that a shrieking baby wasn’t yours seemed like a good thing to Robert, but he knew he needed to keep Victoria happy. So he sympathetically nodded and said “I promise, I’ll find the money another way. A loan off the bank or an old client.”

 

Victoria smiled, squeezing Robert’s hand gratefully before she left for the pub.

 

Robert slumped down on a chair contemplating where he could find the money to buy the pub. He made a mental note of everyone in the village he could borrow off. Andy was skint and hated his guts, Victoria had enough of her own problems with Adam, and Chrissie and Lawrence were unlikely to invest in him for obvious reasons. He could blackmail Ross, he considered. He smiled to himself, pleased with his next plan.

 

“Ross.” Robert shouted, banging the door of the garage loudly as he entered.

 

He noticed Ross sliding out from under the nearest car, a look of annoyance clear on his face, “What do you want, Sugden? Haven’t you ruined my life enough?”

 

“Said the man who shot me.” Robert smiled. 

 

Ross rolled his eyes before sliding back under the car to resume his work. Robert knew that Ross felt no remorse for what he had done to him, but that was okay with Robert. He didn’t need Ross’ apologises, he needed money. And he knew Ross would do anything to keep out of prison. 

 

“I’ve decided I’m due a bit of compensation for my injuries.” Robert smirked, “£100,000 should cover it.”

 

He distinctly heard Ross chuckling under the vehicle, “I thought I’d shot you in the chest not the head, you must have gone mad.”

 

“I don’t think you quite heard me.” Robert said, pulling Ross out from under the car by his legs so that he hovered over him menacingly.

 

“No, I heard you quite clearly when you held a gun to my face and told Debbie all about our little situation.” Ross snapped, staring up at Robert with hate filled eyes.

 

“You get me that money or you’ll be having a little visit from DS Hart.” Robert said, pushing Ross away from him and walking out of the garage.

 

Robert was unsure how he felt around Ross after the shooting. He would never admit to being scared of anyone, but he was certainly more hesitant to be alone with the man and was glad to be out of his presence.

 

Robert didn’t like to dwell too much on his close encounter with death. Although when it was all written down in the police reports, he was shocked by how many people hated him. He remembered the moment he had found out Aaron had been arrested. He couldn’t have blamed Aaron for wanting him dead, he’d put him through hell. But Aaron had ruined his life too, hadn’t he? Maybe that made them even, or maybe it didn’t work like that, Robert wondered. Maybe you weren’t meant to hurt the person you love. 

 

Robert shook his head, to clear his thoughts of Ross, the shooting and most importantly Aaron. He made a silent deal with himself to focus on buying the pub before he even thought about his confusing feelings for Aaron. 

 

Opening the door of the pub, Robert’s eyes were immediately drawn to the scene before him; Chrissie talking to Diane. He approached them quickly, wondering what they could possibly be talking about.

 

“A pint, please Diane. What’s going on here then?” Robert said, giving his signature smirk to Chrissie.

 

“I’ve been asking Diane about buying her half of the pub. Dad thinks it’s a good business venture and Diane is keen to keep it in the family. So who better to run this place than her own daughter Bernice?” Chrissie answered, a look of pleasure at beating Robert clear in her eyes.

 

Robert glanced down at the pint in front of him, Chrissie really had thought of everything. She had money and Bernice on her side, Robert was starting to realise that he had nothing and no one on his. He glanced sideways at Chrissie, lowering his voice so the other occupants of the pub couldn’t hear him.

 

“Please, don’t do this Chrissie.” Robert whispered urgently.

 

Chrissie sighed and picked up her bag, “This isn’t about you, Robert. It really is a good business move for my family.”

 

“Oh yeah, and you think people will want to drink here with you serving them? The woman who killed Ruby and Val?” Robert snapped, immediately regretting the words as soon as he had uttered them.

 

However Robert could not change his defensive nature and knew that he was programmed to lash out at anyone who threatened his position.

 

Chrissie shook her head sadly, “You really are pathetic, Robert.”

 

Robert watched her leave the pub, mentally cursing himself for his childish and hurtful remarks. However he had not given up hope of buying the pub, Diane would not refuse him if he had the money, he decided. He noticed Ross entering the pub and motioned for him to join him at the bar. He felt the palms of his hands start to sweat slightly as Ross approached. It wasn’t Ross he was scared of exactly, it was more the idea that this man before him could shoot him so easily without motive or reason. 

 

“What do you want now? I’ve had a full day at the garage and the last thing I want is an earful off you.” Ross snarled.

 

“My money, I need it.”

 

Ross eyed Robert up and down. Robert felt his heart quicken as they both stared at each other, remembering the shooting. Robert still had nightmares every night of the bang he’d heard as he fell to the ground. He still remembered the shock and terror in Chas’ eyes as he lay there, blood pouring out of him. Most of all, he still remembered staring up at the black night sky, knowing he was going to die, unloved and unwanted. 

 

But he hadn’t died, he had to believe he was strong enough to put his life back together again. Robert knew buying the pub was the first step towards repairing everything he’d done wrong.

 

“Meet me outside, round the back in five minutes.” Ross muttered.

 

Five minutes later, after finishing his pint, Robert left the pub and wandered around to the back. He was just glancing around for Ross when out of nowhere he felt someone push him up against the wall. Ross held him there, staring right in to his face. Robert could feel his breath against his skin as he panted.

 

“You ain’t getting a penny off me and if you ring the police then I’ll make sure you regret it. Remember last time, eh? I’ll make sure you’re dead next time.” Ross spat each word, shoving him harder against the wall to emphasise his message.

 

Robert’s heart beat faster, his breathing growing more rapid by the second. The spot where he had been shot ached for the first time in months. As much as Robert never wanted to admit his fear, right now he was scared. Scared because he knew he didn’t want to die. Robert knew he hadn’t dealt with what happened the night he was shot, he had just tried not to think about it. He didn’t want to think about how badly he had treated both Chrissie and Aaron, or how he had left Katie to die, or how he had ruined Andy’s life. Robert tried to control his breathing but as each bad thing flashed across his mind his panic only increased. He could faintly hear Ross still shouting at him, although it sounded millions of miles away rather than right in front of him.

 

Suddenly he felt Ross’ hands letting him go, leaving him to slip down the wall on to the hard, gravel floor. He hung his head, trying desperately to gulp down fresh air. Robert felt a hand on his shoulder and cringed away from the touch, before realising it was Aaron.

 

“Robert, mate, it’s alright. Ross is gone. What the hell happened? Robert, can you hear me?” Aaron asked worriedly.

 

Robert pressed his hands against his eyes, desperately not wanting Aaron to see him cry. He tried to stand up but found his legs were too weak. So he settled for pushing Aaron away.

 

“Just leave me alone.” he had meant to shout but it came out as no more than a whisper.

 

Aaron just stared at him, confused by the state of Robert. He had never seen him like this before. He had seen him cry at the lodge, but he had never seen him so broken. Without saying anything he put his arm around Robert, dragging him up from the floor. He gently pulled him towards the pub and up the stairs towards his room. Lying Robert down gently on his bed, Aaron stared at him. Robert curled himself up on the bed, silent sobs making his body shake. Aaron placed a blanket around him and sat at the bottom of the bed, watching over Robert until he fell asleep.

 

Once Aaron was sure Robert was asleep, he gently stroked his hair back from his face, feeling his heart ache inside his chest.

 

“You shouldn’t get to do this to me again Robert. I shouldn’t be there to help you after all the crap you’ve put me through. Hurting me, Paddy, Katie.” Aaron sobbed, struggling to get the words out, tears running down his face. “I should just be able to let you go but I can’t. When I thought you were dead, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t imagine a world without you in it. Everyday I wake up and I feel like I’ll never be truly happy again because I’ve lost you. Even after everything bad thing you’ve done, I still love you. I still want to be with you. That probably makes me as messed up as you are, but I know that I need you Robert. But I can’t say these things to you when you’re awake. I know you won’t admit who you are, I know you’ll never be happy without your rich wife and your posh cars. I just wish you’d realise those things don’t matter.”

 

Aaron gently kissed Robert’s head before leaving the room, hating himself for still loving the man who had hurt him so many times before.


	4. Stage 4: Depression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert struggles to cope with his recent failures. Who will be there to help pull him out of this dark time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting tomorrow's chapter early because I won't have time to post it tomorrow. I apologise that there is no Aaron in this chapter. I really wanted to focus on Robert's relationship with Andy and Victoria and give it the attention it deserves. The final chapter will be posted on Monday as planned and I promise there will be lots of Aaron in it!

It had been weeks since Robert had awoken to find himself lying in Aaron’s bed, the covers tangled around his legs. His head ached as he remembered the events that had led him there. Cowering before Ross, crying in front of Aaron. Robert had been backed in to a corner many times before and had always come out fighting. However this time, he felt truly pathetic and could not bring himself to leave the house. For weeks, Robert had hidden away at Victoria’s house, sleeping late, drinking too much and often falling to sleep on the sofa after a night of staring blankly at the television. He felt no motivation to find a job or go outside. Victoria had tried relentlessly to get him out of the house but to no avail. 

 

Diane had gently told Robert that she wouldn’t be selling the pub to him, partly because he didn’t have the money available and mostly because Chas hated him. After this Robert had given up all hope of moving on with his life, therefore he had resigned himself to feeling sorry for himself and reminiscing about all the good things he had lost. 

 

“Robert, you can’t sit around all day again. You need to get out of the house.” Victoria sighed, picking up Robert’s dirty cups and tidying the magazines on the table. “Honestly Robert, I’m not tidying up after you all the time.”

 

Robert grunted, pressing his hand against his head which ached from a late night of drinking copious amounts of whiskey alone. He winced as Victoria opened the curtains, letting the bright morning sun pour through the window.

 

“Vic, shut the bloody curtains, would you?” Robert groaned, pushing a cushion over his face.

 

He felt Victoria sit down next to him and braced himself for the lecture he was sure would follow. He had heard it at least one a week for the past month. It often started with Victoria’s annoyance at his laziness and messiness, then it moved on to sympathy for his near death experience and his loss of both Chrissie and Aaron, then the threats and demands started, ordering Robert to get up and find a job. Finally the lecture always ended with Victoria looking at him sadly, making him dinner and sitting with him, watching reruns of CSI late in to the night. 

 

“Robert, I’m only saying this because I care. You can’t just sit here all day. You need to talk to someone. A professional if you can’t talk to me.” Victoria told him gently, taking one of his pale hands in her own.

 

Robert avoided her gaze, he didn’t want to talk to anyone about how pathetic and embarrassed he felt. He couldn’t bare going outside and having to face Ross’ ridicule or Aaron’s pity. He preferred staying in the safety of Victoria’s house, even if it meant having to put up with Adam every day.

 

“Is this about Chrissie? I heard from Diane she was thinking of buying the pub.” Victoria asked.

Robert shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t love Chrissie, not anymore. He wasn’t sure he ever had. He had cared about her once, but now he only felt annoyance that she had outbid him for Diane’s half of the pub.

 

“Please don’t bite my head off for asking, but has something happened with Aaron?” Victoria pressed.

 

Robert stared down at the floor, burning with shame at allowing himself to look so weak in front of Aaron. He didn’t feel comfortable showing that side of himself to anyone. He was sure Aaron must hate him more than ever after seeing him like that. Even worse than Aaron’s hatred though, was Aaron’s pity. The last thing Robert wanted was for Aaron to feel sorry for him. Robert shrugged again, unable to tell Victoria how he felt, unwilling to try and make her understand. 

 

Victoria sighed and stood up, kissing him lightly on the head before making her way out the door. “I have to go to work but I’ll be home tonight. Try and go out if you can, Robert, please.”

 

Robert nodded in agreement just to keep Victoria happy but he knew he had no intention of leaving the house today or any other day for that matter. As he heard the door slam behind Victoria, he curled up on the sofa, easily falling in to a nightmare filled sleep where everything he wanted was given to him and then painfully dragged away.

 

Robert awoke to the sound of banging at the door. Annoyed, he dragged himself off the sofa, convinced it must be Adam, who often forgot his keys. Upon opening the door, he was surprised to find himself face to face with his brother, Andy. He stared at Andy, he had not seen him in the past few weeks but he had not changed at all. Robert noticed that Andy still looked at him with disgust and hung his head, shamefully.

 

“Victoria’s at work.” Robert muttered, before attempting to close the door.

 

However Andy’s hand shot out to keep the door ajar, “It’s you I’ve come to see. Let me in then.”

 

Andy pushed past Robert in to the living room where he perched, awkwardly, on the sofa before getting up and moving to stand by the window. Robert stood in the room’s doorway, silently watching Andy, confused as to why he had come.

 

“What do you want?” Robert sighed, breaking the silence.

 

“Victoria’s worried about you.”

 

Robert rolled his eyes, “I’m fine, thanks for stopping by. Now, please leave.”

 

“Robert, you’re still my brother and I’m worried about you too. You haven’t left the house in weeks. Do you think dad would want me to leave you here like this?” Andy asked.

 

Robert snorted, “Dad didn’t care about me. Why would he when he had the perfect son at home? You following in dad’s footsteps by becoming a farmer, how could I ever beat that? He loved you more and you weren’t even his real son.”

 

“Robert, I’ve heard it all before. Wasn’t it enough for you to take Katie from me? Did it make you feel satisfied when you saw my kids leave? When are you going to realise that destroying other people won’t make you happy?” Andy shouted.

 

“I didn’t kill Katie.” Robert whispered, his eyes filling with tears.

 

He didn’t want to admit Andy was right, he couldn’t admit that he hurt people just because he hated himself. But he knew it was true, he was insecure. He couldn’t help feeling that he wasn’t good enough, that he had never been good enough. He had spent his life pushing people away because he was afraid of them eventually finding out that he wasn’t worth it and just leaving him alone. The thought of spending his life alone scared Robert more than he could admit.

 

“Robert, I don’t know what to believe about Katie. I loved her so much and she’s gone now. But you’re my brother and you’re still here. And after what happened with Diane and her illness, you just never know what’s going to happen next. We can’t keep fighting Robert. Don’t waste your life in these four walls. Katie doesn’t get another chance, but you still do. Use it, Robert.” Andy said, wiping his eyes as walked past Robert towards the door, gently resting his hand on Robert’s shoulder before he left.

 

This small gesture was enough to break Robert. He slumped to the floor, head in his hands and finally allowed himself to cry for all that he had done and all that he had lost.

 

When Victoria arrived home that night, the first thing she noticed was the smell of spaghetti bolognese coming from the kitchen. Secondly she noticed that someone had tidied the house, hoovering the carpets and putting away things that had been left out. She grinned widely when she saw Robert coming out of the kitchen, freshly showered and with a small smile on his face. 

 

“I made dinner, your favourite. Well it was when we were kids, maybe it’s changed.” Robert said, uncertainly.

 

Victoria smiled at him encouragingly, “It’s still my favourite.”

 

As they sat down to eat, Victoria noticed that Robert looked peaceful for the first time in longer than she remembered. She had still been young when Robert had left but she knew that he had had a troubled time, struggling to be himself while living in Andy’s shadow. All Victoria wanted was for Robert to be happy, whether that was with Chrissie, or Aaron or someone else entirely. Whatever made Robert happy was good enough for Victoria.

 

“What’s all this in aid of?” Victoria asked.

 

“I just wanted to say thank you, for everything. Letting me stay here, looking after me when I got shot, believing in me when I gave you no reason to.” Robert said, staring down at his plate, slightly uncomfortable with so openly expressing his feelings.

 

Victoria smiled, her eyes filling with tears as she looked at Robert, proud of the progress he had made. “You’re my brother and I love you, no matter what.”

 

“Which is why I wanted to tell you this before anyone else. I’m in love with Aaron.” Robert breathed in deeply, waiting for Victoria to interrupt but she let him continue in his own time. “I’ve known for a long time I guess, just couldn’t admit it to myself. I thought it would change things, make me less of a man. Sounds stupid now.”

 

Victoria watched as Robert shrugged his shoulders awkwardly. “Go on, Robert.” she encouraged him. 

 

Robert looked up at her, finally able to meet her gaze. “I haven’t even told him yet, but it’s not about that. It’s about being okay with who I am with or without Aaron. And after all the times you’ve stood by me, I figured I should tell you first, before anyone.”

 

Victoria felt tears running down her face as she moved around the table to wrap her arms around her brother, “I’m so proud of you.”

 

Robert squeezed her back, whispering “I love you, Vic,” before playfully pushing her away. “Enough sibling affection.” Robert laughed. 

 

Victoria wiped her eyes, laughing. “And what about Aaron?”

 

“Well, I’m going to get my man back.” Robert smirked.

 

Victoria rolled her eyes happily, safe in the knowledge that Robert had not changed too much.


	5. Stage 5: Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After finally admitting his feelings for Aaron to Victoria, will Robert be able to tell the man he loves? And will Aaron feel the same way?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the final chapter, enjoy! Leave comments :)

Although Robert had opened up to Victoria, he still did not find it easy to tell Aaron how he felt. He had awoken each morning, determined to explain his feelings to Aaron. However each night he arrived home, disappointed and embarrassed at his own weakness, silently shaking his head at Victoria to let her know that today had not been the day he had told Aaron.

 

After more than a week, just as Robert was losing hope of building up the courage to tell Aaron, a chance encounter gave him his first opportunity. As Robert was checking the books at the scrapyard, a monthly task that both Adam and Aaron were only too glad to leave to Robert, the door opened and Aaron walked in. Robert looked up at him, noticing he was wearing his overalls. Aaron glanced at him, sitting at the desk, and nodded in his direction.

 

“Sorry, didn’t know you were here today. I’ll come back later.”

 

“Wait.” Robert said, his voice loud in the empty cabin.

 

They both stood in silence, watching the other, waiting for someone to make the first move or say the first word. Robert, nervously rubbed his hands against his jeans, he knew the importance of this moment. Saying the wrong thing could cause him to lose Aaron forever.

 

“Are you alright? After that night I tried checking on you at Victoria’s but she said you weren’t really up for visitors.” Aaron shrugged.

 

Robert hated being reminded of that night, when he had allowed himself to be so vulnerable in front of Aaron, but he was starting to realise that that was what love was. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable with the people you love and letting them help you when you needed it. Robert took a deep breath and prepared himself for what he knew he should have done a long time ago.

 

“Aaron, that night, you looked after me. Even after everything that’s happened between us. Why would you do that?” Robert asked, hoping for one answer and dreading receiving a different one.

 

Aaron shook his head and stared at the floor, “I just did what anyone would do.”

 

“I have made so many mistakes this year but..” Robert started.

 

“Yeah and I’ve heard enough times that I was the biggest mistake of them all.” Aaron said bitterly.

 

Robert couldn’t bear to look at Aaron. He couldn’t believe how foolish he had been. Aaron was everything he wanted, his soulmate. But he knew that Aaron could never forgive him for all that he had done. Robert had to let him know how sorry he was though, even if Aaron couldn’t forgive him.

 

“Please let me talk, and just listen. I’ve done some terrible things this year. I cheated on my wife, I let Katie die, even though it was an accident. Maybe if I’d rang an ambulance she might have survived. I lost my brother, made him hate me enough to want me dead. I shot Paddy and had to stitch him up. His blood all over my hands while the one person I loved, watched me with disgust because of what I’d done.” Robert paused, trying to control his breathing in order to continue talking, as tears rolled down his face. “I tied you to a radiator, how could I ever expect you to forgive me after that? I messed you up so much, you had to hurt yourself again. I never wanted to be the reason you hurt yourself, I wanted to be the reason why you never would again. But the big house, and the fancy car, and the job. I thought I needed those things. I had nothing when dad threw me out and I got those things all on my own. I got Chrissie and the money. I got to be on top for once, looking down on Andy.”

 

Robert wiped his nose with his sleeve and finally looked in to Aaron’s eyes. “But I didn’t need those things. I thought I did, but I don’t. Occasionally I miss the car and the money, even sometimes Chrissie but it doesn’t physically hurt like losing you. Nothing is worth anything if you’re not with me. I never wanted to fall in love with you, it wasn’t supposed to happen. But it did and I can’t keep running from who I am. I know you have every reason to hate me, and I’ve never given you even one reason to trust me but..”

 

Robert moved closer to Aaron, and placed a hand on each side of his face, gently wiping away the tears falling from Aaron’s eyes.

 

“I love you, Aaron Livesy.” Robert whispered, before closing the gap between them and pressing his lips against Aaron’s. 

 

The kiss was fast and urgent, as if they both knew it would end just as soon as it had begun. And it did when Aaron placed his hands upon Robert’s chest and pushed him away.

 

Robert let go quickly, he didn’t want this if Aaron didn’t feel the same way, this wasn’t just about lust anymore. He watched Aaron wipe his mouth with the back of his hand and nodded at him.

 

“If you want to go, Aaron, then just go.” Robert smiled sadly.

 

“I can’t do this.” Aaron whispered before turning and walking away, leaving a heartbroken Robert in his wake. 

 

Robert had been tempted to close himself off at Victoria’s house again after Aaron’s rejection but he knew that wasn’t the solution. After everything he had done to Aaron, he just had to accept that Aaron couldn’t forgive him, no matter how much it hurt. As the weeks passed, he got a job, managing a new company. It was hard being the new guy, long hours and a lot of paperwork, but for the first time Robert was happy because he had achieved this on his own without any help from Chrissie or her money. He even visited the pub, one of two nights a week, with Victoria and Adam. Robert had found that accepting himself made it a lot easier to get along with other people, although he wouldn’t go as far as to say he liked Adam just yet. 

 

Sometimes while at the pub or the cafe he saw Aaron, having a pint or buying a coffee. They often nodded politely at each other, their lingering looks saying more than they ever did. Robert knew pushing Aaron was not the answer though. If Aaron wanted him, he would come to him. Robert had to let Aaron make this decision on his own, and all he could do in the meantime was try to be a better man. 

 

One Saturday night, Robert sat next to Andy in the pub, both nursing a pint and talking companionably. Their relationship had improved immensely in the past few weeks, which had thoroughly pleased Victoria. She approached them now, placing two steaming hot dinners in front of them and rested her hand on the back of Andy’s chair.

 

“It’s so sad about Ashley.” Victoria said. “Makes you realise how important family is.”

 

Robert and Andy agreed, nodding their heads, as Victoria patted Andy’s shoulder and left them to their night. From the corner of his eye Robert saw Aaron appear from the back room. He looked as good as he always did and Robert felt his heart skip at the sight of him.

 

“Still thinking about him?” Andy asked. 

 

Robert shrugged, he didn’t want to talk about it. He watched as Andy nodded and knew that he understood. 

 

Suddenly, Robert felt Aaron’s presence next to him and his whole body seemed to awaken for the first time in months. He glanced up at him and noticed that he looked nervous.

 

“Okay if I sit down?” Aaron asked, motioning to the chair next to Robert.

 

“Sure.” Robert said, trying to stop the quiver in his voice.

 

“I’ll leave you to it.” Andy started to stand but stopped when Aaron spoke.

 

“No, it’s alright. Just having a pint as mates.” Aaron stuttered, avoiding eye contact with both Robert and Andy as he drank deeply from his glass.

 

Robert and Andy exchanged glances and drank awkwardly, the silence unbearable. Robert felt electrified from being so close to Aaron after so long. He moved his leg so his knee rested against Aaron’s, a small gesture that no one else would notice, but Aaron immediately looked at him. Robert watched Aaron, he loved the way he bit his lip while staring at Robert’s mouth before looking up at him with those beautiful, big eyes. He had never wanted to kiss Aaron so badly and for the first time he didn’t care who saw. 

 

“Can we talk in the back?” Aaron asked, his eyes raking over every part of Robert.

 

Robert nodded and followed Aaron in to the back room, mouthing an apology to Andy, who shook his head and smiled after them, happy that they were talking. 

 

“What you said, at the scrapyard. I can’t stop thinking about it. It just plays over and over in my head everyday for hours at a time.” Aaron said, as they faced each other in the back room. 

 

Robert started to speak but Aaron shook his head and continued. “I must be mad for even spending one minute thinking about you, but I do. I can’t go back to how it was though and I can’t forget all the things you’ve done and all the things I did for you. But when you said you..”

 

Aaron glanced up at Robert, watching his reaction. “..loved me, I’d waited so long to hear that.”

 

Aaron covered his face with his hands, not wanting to cry in front of Robert but unable to stop the tears. He felt Robert gently pull his hands away and place his head against Aaron’s, just as he had that day in the cabin when he had been so full of anger. But today he felt calm, being here with Aaron was exactly the right place for him to be.

 

Robert stared deeply in to Aaron’s eyes, willing him to trust him. “It’s okay, Aaron.”

 

Aaron stared back at him, “It can’t be like it was. I’m not hiding it again or hurting anyone. And I can’t take you changing your mind again.”

 

“I’m not messing you around.” Robert whispered.

 

The phrase hung heavy in the air between them. The same words Robert had spoke on their first kiss, but this time Robert didn’t pull Aaron to him, he waited for Aaron to come to him, only if he was ready. Breathing heavy, Aaron looked at Robert, scared of being hurt again but equally scared of losing the man he loved. Maybe love was just that; a giant leap of faith in to the unknown and just hoping the other person was there to catch you as you fell. 

 

Closing the gap between them, Aaron kissed Robert, his hands reaching up to tangle in his blonde hair. For the first time since he was a child, Robert felt as if he had finally come home.

 

“I love you.” Aaron panted between kisses.

 

Robert pushed Aaron away slightly and looked in to his eyes, smirking. “Say it again.” he teased.

 

The two men laughed as they kissed, happily knowing that there would be all the time in the world to say it again and again and again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my first time writing a fan fiction and I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out. Any feedback or critique is appreciated though - so comment. I'm already working on a new 7 part story about Robert and Aaron's week at Home Farm while the White's were away. The story will be set from Monday to Sunday and each chapter will focus on a new day. Let me know if you're interested in reading this new fan fiction. 
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


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